Before & After (Part1)

My whole family was baptized when I was barely 1 thus I can say that I was brought up in a Christian family. I don’t see a difference being raised up in a Christian family or any other family, there are still the norms….what you should do and what you should not do. The only differences I felt was that Sunday was always busy. Off to church in the morning and afternoon family gathering.

During my teens as conflict begin between me and my family, I start to dread Sunday. Why can’t I sleep late on Sunday, why can’t I watch my fav TV drama, why do I have to face the nagging of my relatives…..why, why why? There are so many reasons to stay at home or meeting friends that keeps me away from church.

Working became the best excuse in the later stage as I hate going to church. There are so many things out there that seem to be more important to me and church becomes my last priority. I start to drift away from God, from my family and chase after things that I thought were more important but I have no joy.

My relationship with God

It was not much to speak of…..pray only when in need, like before exams. The stories I know by heart from Sunday schools are just interesting stories. All these religious stuff are only guide lines like rules that you go by in life so that we are normal and behave the right way in society. In fact at some point, I thought all religion is the same so why do Christians go to church every Sunday ….there are other religion which require less of our time. Free thinker is the best as it requires no commitment at all. I only believe in myself.

My relationship with my Parents

I hate them at a stage.....they jus do not understand. There is no point in any form of communication; it is jus a waste of time. They love my sister more than me. I am a total failure in their eyes. I will always compare myself with my sister, why do mum and dad bring her to the zoo, to places of interest which I have never been. Why did the family outing became them and without me? Once I asked my mum, why there is double standard in our upbringing and her reply was....because I was ill treated by my baby sitter therefore she do not trust my sister in the care of a baby sitter anymore. I was shock by the reply……since I was the one being ill treated by the baby sitter so shouldn’t I be in a better care now? Guess they think that I am too old for such attention, I was 14 then.

It was the feeling of being abandon by my parents because I was not worthy. I hate them and I hate myself too. We have rows almost every day and I felt disgusted...who can love you if your parents don’t. The more abuse I hurl at them, I felt more hurt and angry and I do not understand why...shouldn’t I felt better?

Looking back now, I see the grace and the work of God’s miracles. At many times in those dark hours, I seek death but I did not succeed thus am able to laugh and feel the joy of life now. You might ask, did I truly able to put down the hatred I had and love my family again...Yes! I am able to love them again thru my Lord Jesus Christ.

For every mortal man sins...as we are born sinners. No one is perfect as we tend to hurt one another unintentionally. Parents are not saints, they will also make mistake and so do I. I have hurt them too as much as they have hurt me. By letting the hate goes, I feels lighter, happier than before. So my friend, did you hate someone before? Are you able to let it go?